Talking Ourselves Into A Bad Marriage


posted by on Relationship Encouragement


Most of us have gotten divorced from someone we talked ourselves into marrying in the first place. Often, we’ve married the person we were dating when we decided it was time for us to get married, or maybe we wanted to get out of our current situation, and marrying our spouse seemed like a good idea at the time. Most of us knew there were issues within our relationship, but we decided to marry our former spouse anyway. I think I had all of those thoughts when I decided to marry my former spouse.
Often, when we convince ourselves to marry someone out of a set of thought processes and circumstances which are mostly hidden from open discussion with those we trust, and when we make a marriage decision with a secret agenda that others are unable to talk to us about; we find that our new marriage partner is harboring a secret hidden agenda as well.

When we talk about secret or hidden agendas, we are talking about those personality traits and ideas which may or may not be correct, but which are deeply rooted and deeply protected within us. These hidden agendas are often ingrained into us from childhood, and they are extremely difficult, if not impossible to root out and change. You might be able to change your own hidden agenda, but you will never be able to change a hidden agenda in someone else, no matter how hard you try.

These selfish, relationship-killing hidden agendas often include a certain amount of misogyny. Misogyny is a deeply-set distrust and disrespect for the opposite sex, and it often displays its self in a leaning toward abusive and or adulterous behavior. (This loathing of the opposite sex is based in a fear of losing control, but that is a subject for another blog).

Many of us weren’t modeled quality Biblical marriage values in our young lives, and even if we were modeled those values, we don’t always know how to sort through those selfish agendas within ourselves, and we don’t know how to look for those distorted values and agendas in another person either.

No-one will ever tell you that he or she harbors a deep disrespect for you, simply because of your gender. No-one will ever tell you that he or she will act hatefully toward you and possibly cheat on you at some point in the future, simply because of something buried deeply within them.

We must always remember that we weren’t responsible for placing those damaging thought patterns within another person, and we cannot own the responsibility for making it right. If you didn’t realize your former spouse was harboring a hidden agenda, that’s okay. We usually can’t do anything about our mistakes regarding our former spouse. We can however, do something about our decision-making process in choosing a new spouse, if we ever decide to do that.

Even if you don’t know what to look for in someone else, you know you have to take the time to become healthy within yourself before you place your heart in the marketplace to be handled by another person. If you are a Christian, we always recommend that you begin serving in your church somewhere, as soon as you can. Faithfully serving others in some capacity will root out the selfishness in you, and it will place you in the vicinity of other servants.

Someone who is serving others in church isn’t necessarily free from selfish hidden agendas however, and if you decide to begin a relationship with someone, you will need to pick carefully through those things with him or her, over the course of a long courtship. Your job as a Christian is primarily to become the person whom God wants you to be. The job of finding someone to have and hold is a very secondary occupation for you.

Maybe, in the process of serving others in your church and viewing the other prospective single adults which are available for you to be in relationship with, you might decide that remaining single is a more viable option than you thought it was. Deciding to remain single for now doesn’t mean you will always be single, but it will remove the hunger for companionship which will often drive you into another questionable relationship.
Well, those are my thoughts; I’d love to hear yours…

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  1. Mackey Migel
    • Jeff Brown
  2. Michelle Walsh

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