We know your separation from your spouse is an extremely difficult time for you. You are on an emotional roller coaster. We know that if you, “Draw near to God, He will draw near to you” James 4:8. You might be tempted in this time, to do all sorts of things that will not be constructive for your future. You might be inclined to look upon the choices and lifestyle of your departed spouse and think, "I should do those things too". You will do well to resist those things and draw near to the Lord. (Psalms 37) Find a way to be in the Word every day. Find a way to be in fellowship with other believers as often as you possibly can. Spend lots of time in prayer for your life and that of your departed spouse. Find some strong brothers or sisters (of your own gender) in whom you can confide and trust; to share your emotions and thoughts with, as you work through this difficult season of life. Over the long term of separation and beyond; again, don't beg or argue with your departed spouse. We suggest you not contact your departed spouse at all unless it is absolutely necessary. If you are still inclined to beg your spouse to act correctly or to come back to you; chances are, your neediness has been a contributing factor to your current plight. The anger/control/begging cycle that needy individuals often exhibit will tend to burn up relationships. If you are discouraged by realizing these things, don't be; no-one does everything right. But you will want to allow the Lord to do something with your confidence level in order to be successful in the future. If you want to be respected, you must be respectable. The cycle of fighting/anger/control/begging is not respectable behavior. The time for you to begin making confident decisions is now. Proverbs 14:26 says: "In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence. You have to know that God is not mad at you, and He did not do this to you! You must begin to build a life that is about the Lord Jesus and His plan for you. You can pray that, over time, your spouse might do the same. Right now, however, your spouse is like a baby who isn’t hungry. You cannot make a full baby hungry no matter what you do. The only thing you can do is to leave them alone, pray for them and wait to see if they get hungry again. If they never do, and if they file for divorce; or, if your marriage becomes a corpse over time that you must bury; we know it is very painful, but God is still in control, and He still loves both of you.
Reconciliation can happen, if you want it. We have seen the Lord do some awesome things, but the only way it ever happens successfully is if there is something different in both of you. Not everyone is in a giant rush to put a bad situation back together again. That's okay. Maybe you and your spouse have been married or separated a few times before and there's not as much hope for change as there once was. If you do want to reconcile your marriage, we want to be as encouraging as we can be; but we also want to be realistic. We are acutely aware of what the Bible says, but we are also coming up against the will of another person. Even if you were to get your spouse into counseling with the best marriage people in the business. There is no one who can force someone to do something they don’t want to do. Chances are, it has taken you and your spouse several years to get your relationship into the condition it’s in now. In most cases, nothing very positive is going to happen overnight in either one of you. In the case of your departed spouse, it may not happen at all. God is still in control. Plug in to the Lord, get some help, wait on Him and see what He does.
You can certainly try to make a stand, but I don't believe it's profitable spiritually, emotionally or financially to stand in the way of someone who is determined to end a marriage with you. The Bible says that we are to "Let the unbeliever go, for God has called us to peace." 1 Cor 7:15. Regardless of a person's relationship with Christ, if they are determined to divorce you, they are not believing for the marriage at this time. There is usually nothing you can do now, or possibly ever, that will change their mind. Painful as it may be, I believe your only choice is to let your former spouse go. Play the hand you were dealt the best way you can, get some help, and again, concentrate on the only relationship in your life that will last forever.
There is no easy answer to this question, briefly; separation and divorce are caused by immaturity and selfishness. The root of all ungodly behavior; is sin and rebellion. We often wish we could fix the bad behavior of another person, but we can’t. When the impossible behavior of a spouse brings down a marriage, the only thing we can do is refer to God’s Word and try to figure out what happened. Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun”. Ecclesiastes 1:9. This means that all of the different kinds of sin that people can dream up have been around for centuries. Paul said, in Ephesians 4:17-19. “This I say and the Lord also, that you no longer walk as the unbelievers do, in the futility of their minds and the blindness of their hearts. Being alienated from God because of their ignorance. Having once been feeling, they have given themselves over to all uncleanness with selfishness”. The human mind is like a fishbowl, if it is not refreshed and renewed on a regular basis, it will become rancid and rotten. The good, honorable and useful things that used to live in the fishbowl will die, and the bacteria of sin and rebellion will take over. Paul goes on to say, in verses 22 & 23, "[You must] put off your former conduct which grows corrupt according to deceitful lusts, and be renewed in your spirit according to God, in true righteousness and holiness”. Given enough time and lack of renewal, any one of us is capable of allowing our minds to get into a condition in which we simply allow a lie to become truth to us. In other words, in sin and rebellion, we, "Give ourselves over to all uncleanness with selfishness.”
My estranged/former spouse is
very difficult.
This person still blames and intimidates me in every possible way.
How do I deal with them?
This occurs in nearly every situation we deal with. The most important thing to understand is that controlling people have a need to control. More than likely, this person has had an ability to throw you around mentally, spiritually and emotionally for a long time. And most likely, they won't want to give up this privilege on their own, even after the marriage has ended. That leaves us with the responsibility to begin to take this privilege away from them, by learning to set up healthy boundaries. That may sound harsh, but learning this skill will be a necessary process, if you are ever going to move past this experience and become the man or woman that God has designed you to be for the long term. In the Old Testament book of Nehemiah, God appointed Nehemiah to accomplish a HUGE task; to rebuild the walls around the city of Jerusalem. Nehemiah set himself to the task, and along came Sanballat and Tobiah. These guys took it upon themselves to yell, to threaten, to intimidate, to throw rocks, etc. These guys had a mindset (much like your former spouse) to do anything they could to discourage and stop the work that God wanted to accomplish. At first, Nehemiah took this intimidation and discouragement to heart and he was afraid; but the Lord used Sanballat and Tobiah to build genuine spiritual muscle in Nehemiah until eventually, in Nehemiah 6; Nehemiah says: (Loosely quoted) “You know what, guys; I really don’t have time for you; I have a job to do, please leave me alone”. It is interesting to note, that Sanballat and Tobiah didn't change or go away after that discourse. They were still around and they were just as mean-spirited as ever. Nehemia's Godly confidence simply took away the stick they were using to beat him with. In Psalms 37, it says: (Again, loosely quoted) “Do not fret because of evildoers, nor be envious of those who prosper in iniquity. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. For in a little while you will look carefully for the disobedient ones and, they will NOT be there.” In other words, your former spouse will simply become part of your former life. Dealing with your divorce is very probably the biggest, most long-term challenge you will ever face in your life; but you are out of choices. You MUST face this challenge. It may be hard for you to believe, but as you grow into your new life, you will find yourself becoming thankful for the adversity you have faced, because it has forced you to grow into a true man or woman of God, with a true, eternal mindset. You will find yourself able to withstand virtually anything that the enemy might throw at you in the future. Divorce is expensive. ETERNAL GROWTH AND UNDERSTANDING IS PRICELESS. I Know this is hard for you, I wish it hadn’t happened; but if you will be faithful and deal with it correctly, you will see God do something in your life that He doesn’t have the opportunity to do in everyone. This may not be what you had planned for your life, but, trust me; God is in control.
The unfairness and hurt of this situation fills me with anger and rage; what can I do about it?
I know all about anger and rage, these
are some things I have learned from the "College of hard knocks". I believe
that a certain amount of anger is normal and it can be useful when it produces
a determination for quality in our relationships and our pursuit of the
things of God. The Bible says, “Be angry, but do not sin”. Romans
12:19. When anger turns to rage, it becomes sin and it must be dealt with
effectively. It is very easy to say “I have a right to my rage”; but, in
Christ, we have given up our rights. We must lay these destructive emotions
at the feet of a loving God, and leave them there. It seems there are two
kinds of Christians in this world. There are those who have grown to
understand "Real world forgiveness" and "Extending grace to a fallen world";
and there are those who simply refuse to buy into the concept. Christians who
understand these things tend to do well. Christians who cannot or will not give in to these
basic truths are those who tend to get stuck in a pit of anger and rage. I spent a lot of wasted
time stuck in that pit after my own divorce. Rage seems to stem from two
root feelings.
1. A belief that something irreplaceable has been stolen from
you.
2. A refusal to acknowledge that everyone, including those in whom you
have invested, has the unfortunate freedom to live in sin and to
treat you badly.
Your freedom from rage might lie, in part, with your acceptance of these basic Christian,
cultural, and human truths:
-
No one can take anything from you that God cannot replace... You will
have a new life and that life can be very good; if you will tuck yourself into
the Lord for the long term.
-
A marriage license is not an ownership certificate... (I agree
that God’s design is for couples and families to stay together. I know that
divorce is
sin; and sin is
very ugly. Sin grieves the heart of God and sin often grieves our hearts as
well).
-
In our modern culture, religious pressure does not keep couples together
anymore...
A person will generally stay with another person
only because they want to; not because the Church or the Bible says they
have to. When a person quits wanting to stay; they will generally
leave; and they will usually be very hateful in the process of leaving.
- Your former spouse is not your project; in fact, he or she
never was your project...
All people are God's property. He manages them according to His purposes
with His infinite knowledge and His matchless love and grace. When people go
haywire, God is acutely aware of it. God is totally capable, by His Holy
Spirit, of addressing the issues (and false integrity) of rebellious people.
He may not do it in your timetable, but, trust me, He is on the job.
This person will probably never be your husband or wife again; in fact, this person
may spend many months or years making your life completely miserable. This
is sometimes the price we are forced to pay when we "take on" another person
as a project (and possibly
have children with them). Please know, in these impossible times, that God is working in your life as
well. He is humbling you. He is teaching you patience and grace; and He is
possibly preparing you for ministry to the mountain of people following
behind you in this difficult process of divorce.
If considering all of these things still finds you filled with anger and rage, you
might want to consider the fruitfulness of your determination to continue to fight a war
that has already been decided by someone else. It won't be easy to make the
transition into grace and acceptance of your difficult circumstance, but you will do
so much better when you can quit fighting and accept the outcome of this
battle with grace and peace. Jesus said, "In this world,
you will have trouble, but be of good cheer because I
have overcome the world".
John 16:33
My spouse is/was
abusive,
I feel like I am, or was forced to divorce him or her.
Are there Biblical grounds for divorce under these circumstances?
We face this question quite often, here’s our view on the subject.
We believe the Bible clearly states that Christian husbands and wives are
NOT to divorce one another, even if the other spouse is an unbeliever. 1
Cor 7:10-13. When there is genuine physical abuse,
specifically, when the safety of one of the partners or children in the
marriage is genuinely threatened, i.e. hitting, knifeplay, throwing
of objects, improper contact, etc; no pastor in the world (ourselves
included) would direct a person to stay in a home and/or tolerate that
behavior. “In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence”. Proverbs 14:26.
We are to fear the Lord, not our spouse. Sometimes the confidence
required is the confidence to leave a dangerous situation.
Calvary Chapel
Boise works with Safe Place Ministries to provide help for those in this
kind of situation. Whether divorce, legal separation or simply removing
oneself from the situation is the most beneficial and compassionate solution
for both parties over the long term is usually decided through counseling on
an individual basis. If an abusive, controlling spouse chooses to file for
divorce in the interim of separation, we certainly wouldn’t suggest fighting
them for the continuation of the marriage. 1Cor 7:15. Now to
the subject of mental abuse; we hear this term used more and
more often in the Church as people become more oriented to the “Empowerment”
philosophy of the world and less oriented to the “Obedience” principle of
the Bible. Before you tune me out as someone who "just doesn't understand", please let me finish... Christian wives and husbands are
absolutely not required to be “doormats” for demeaning or
controlling spouses. The person who holds the position of wife or
husband absolutely deserves to be treated with the respect due that
position. Many times, however, the person who is accused of being “mentally
or psychologically abusive”, is simply acting like an unbeliever (whether
they might be “saved” or not). The Bible is extremely specific that, even if
a spouse is an unbeliever, we are to stay with them,
pray for them; and be obedient to the Lord in these difficult
situations. 1 Cor 7:13. Only you know your heart, and only
you truly know your situation. If the obedient thing to do is to stay, then
stay (and pray). If you choose, or have chosen to leave, you might seek some peace in
the knowledge that divorce is not the “unforgivable sin”; but also please
know this; divorcing your spouse will likely not make your life
easier; it will probably make your life more difficult; and the clear
Biblical mandate is that, after divorcing your spouse, you remain single or
be reconciled to your marriage.
1 Cor 7:11
Do
you believe that, if I had been more assertive;
or, if our Church had been more disciplinary toward my former spouse;
this separation/divorce might not have happened?
No, but, to be honest, I felt these things regarding my own divorce. This thought pattern is essentially incorrect because it assumes that either you or your Church has the power or authority to force your spouse to act correctly; and the truth is, they don't. The only weapon the church has, is excommunication or withholding privileges; and those usually don't have a big effect on someone who has developed a mindset and made a decision, whether right or wrong. Homes and churches have not been equipped with dungeons or chains for a very long time. Whether they should be put back in is a question for another website. I don't mean to be curt, but, the truth is, once a spouse has allowed him or herself to become unforgiving, dissatisfied, or unhappy; the marriage is basically headed for the hopper. Painful as it may be for everyone to watch; the only one who can reverse the slide into rebellion is the one who started sliding in the first place. Sadly but justly; God has created a system where those who continue in disobedience and rebellion tend to not do well in life. The only real recourse an abandoned spouse has, is to move forward and live a life of obedience and grace; a life that the Lord can bless. In this way; you allow the Lord to handle the long-term discipline of your former spouse.
My Church placed me under discipline because of our divorce;
but I think my spouse was the bigger sinner.
How come he or she got off so easy?
The real truth is that no-one is a bigger sinner than you; or me; or your former spouse for that matter. It is futile to argue or wrestle in your mind about who is the biggest sinner or who did what to whom. The truth is; we all deserve to die for our own sin, but simply through the loving sacrifice of Jesus Christ; we don’t have to. Sin, in its entirety grieves the heart of a holy God; and it should grieve our hearts as well. The Bible says: “for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus”. Romans 3:23. It took a LOT of sinning on the parts of both of you to get you into a divorce, you both could probably stand to repent and grieve over that sin. If your former spouse isn’t repentant, then grieve for both of you for a season, until you can put this unfortunate event in the past, and leave it there. I want to address church discipline again briefly. The problem with church discipline in the area of divorce is that; it is usually more punitive in nature; it is more often meted out in anger rather than compassion; and therefore, it is rarely redemptive, but rather divisive in nature. My personal belief is that churches would do much better with divorcing spouses if they would simply mind their own business and let the inevitable Godly discipline of grace and consequences run its course through the lives of those involved. Again, as quality people rebuild their lives, they usually do well. As impossible people hit the world on their own, they usually do poorly. If you are feeling rejected because of mishandled church discipline, simply forgive those involved and find a new church if necessary. If you feel that God is disciplining you through Godly consequences, simply do your best to embrace that discipline in love and try to be thankful for it; "for whom the Lord loves He disciplines". Heb 12:6. The discipline of the Lord is based in total knowledge and love for you and complete devotion to your future. God’s discipline is never meted out in anger or malice. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord; plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope". Jeremiah 29:11. Because God knows everything about you; (“Lord, You understand my thoughts before I have them". Ps 139:2). God’s discipline strikes at the true root of the problem, not the surface, and; because God's discipline is loving, it is never overboard and it never lasts a moment longer than it absolutely has to...In other words, if people treat you badly, be a forgiver. If you are feeling the discipline of the Lord, try to embrace the loving hand of God and allow Him to expose and remove the sin. In this way, you will allow this season of discipline to pass through your life as quickly as possible. “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You; because he trusts in You”. Isaiah 26:3
Courtship and dating in the Church works best when it is paced very slowly and bathed in holiness. That requires accountability. Regardless of who runs the site you are dealing with, you are fishing in a very deep dark pit when you mess with the Internet. Difficult relationships will consume your life and you were bought with a price. 1 Cor 6:20. You were called to much greater things than just finding relationships. I believe it would be better for you to allow the Lord to build you up and place you on the highest ground. Once you get there, your relationships will be in the correct perspective. You can look around at who is up there with you and decide if you want to interact with them. You don't find a real prince (Or princess) by kissing frogs. You find them by serving in the palace of the King and allowing Him to give you the desire of your heart. Ps 37:4
How important is sexual purity as a single adult?
Nowhere is there more room for compromise than in the area of sexual purity.
It is in this area that it certainly appears that the Church is not
influencing
the world as much as the world is influencing the Church. Hebrews 12:14
says, “Pursue
peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the
Lord”. Holiness is a tall order and it precludes not only the most obvious
examples of sexual sin, i.e. adultery in all of its forms; but, if we would
be perfectly honest; it also precludes some of the so called, “gray areas” as
well.
My
spouse and I are only separated; we're still married in the eyes of the
Lord;
we can still have sex, right?
Total abstinence from sex is too much to ask of me; what about
self-pleasure?
All
of these kinds of arguments come from a position of Biblical
vagueness or silence
on on the pure subject And if it weren’t for
the consequences these kinds of behaviors bring with them, we would probably
say yes, go ahead and participate if you want to. The sexual experience was
designed to be the physical expression of all of the other good and
pure things that are going on in a marriage relationship. When it is a
product of anything short of that, it is a mixture of truth and fiction and
it will create confusion and difficulty in the lives of those who continue
to do it. Practicing absolute purity will
build you up. Making allowances for your flesh or letting your desires place
you in a “gray area”, will tear you down and keep you stuck.
I’m not sure I understand “dating”; and I’m not sure what a successful courtship even looks like. Can you help?
I'll try... First of all, I believe the 21st century
definition of the term “Dating” carries some difficult
connotations for Biblical Christians. I find it hard to believe that God smiles on
the process of His people toying, or playing around with the hearts and
feelings of their brothers and sisters. So, I believe that spending
continuing time with a person of the opposite sex should have the long-term
goal of marriage; and if marriage becomes an inadvisable future goal for the
relationship; then, I believe the relationship should end as quickly as
possible, in order to spare both parties any further grief.
So before I can have a “Courtship”, there has to be a first “move”, and a
first date. What does that look like?
Well, I believe the man should make the first “move”… {Ladies, if you ask a
man out; if you make yourself too available; too easy for a man to have; he
will never place a large amount of value in you; simply because it never cost him anything to
get you}.
Now that a guy has mustered the courage to ask; what’s next?
Well, I believe that a first date should be innocent, inexpensive and
independent. For example; this might be a meeting for ice cream or coffee,
with a maximum outlay of around $5 (You should have your own $5, by the
way). This should be a meeting in a public place for a planned amount of
time; and it should be a meeting that allows you to arrive (and leave) in
separate cars. The reasons for this are simple… Innocent: sends a message
of purity. Inexpensive: creates no future obligations. And independent: allows
either of you to terminate the meeting if necessary, without too much
awkwardness.
So, again, what does a “successful courtship” look like?
Well, in my opinion: 1. A successful courtship should last a substantial
amount of time; it should be fruitful; and it should make genuine progress
as it continues. 2. A successful courtship should be held loosely, like all
of your possessions. 3. A successful courtship should be selective. 4. A
successful courtship should be fun. 5.
A successful courtship must be sexually pure. Now that I’ve made
these points, let me explain them:
1. A successful courtship should be long, fruitful, and progressive…
In terms of length, we recommend two years. And we didn’t just pull that
figure out of our hats; Dr. Dobson, Gary Smalley; and lots of others agree
with us. The biggest reason for this; is that it takes time for a couple to
walk and talk through various issues and to form a bond. And, it takes time
for the major things you will face in marriage to be exposed; both in you,
and in Mr. or Ms. Wonderful. You must allow time for the normal period of
infatuation to wear off (usually about six months), so you can see the real
person. But in the process of this long courtship, you should be hitting
some “progress points”; i.e. points where you are becoming closer and more
committed to one another. If these points are not being met, you must not
let an uncommitted individual drag your heart around forever. Therefore…
2. A successful Courtship should be held loosely… See, the goal for
Christian marriage is for two mostly-confident, committed, servant believers
to come together to create a union that makes each of the parties more
effective for the Lord than either of them would be on their own.
The Bible says, “For I have learned to be content in whatever
condition I find myself” (Philippians 4:11). “In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence”
(Proverbs 14:26). So it
is possible to be a content and spiritually confident single adult. If you
won’t allow yourself to be content in your current circumstance; chances
are, you will be “Needy” in pursuing relationships. Needy people cling to
relationships. Needy people become “too close, too soon”. Needy people give
away their hearts too quickly. When this happens, either we don’t see; or we
refuse to acknowledge bad behaviors in our chosen individual. Confident people
can determine to
hold relationships with a loose grip. By maintaining a loose grip; we can
maintain some emotional control that will allow us to either “have the
difficult conversation”, or possibly end the relationship when a
difficult or impossible behavior comes up in the process of courtship. Most
every divorce is the result of behavior patterns that were clearly present
in individuals before and during the courtship phase. We must allow
enough time in courtship for these behaviors to come out and we must not be
so needy that we won’t address them correctly.
3. A successful courtship is selective… A courtship means both of you
are choosing someone to bond with and make a lifetime commitment to. Most
of the people you will meet and some you might get into courtship with; will
simply not be a candidate (for you) for marriage. All of us have flaws and
deficits; and you might make allowance for minor flaws; but if you blow past a
major deficit to get into marriage with someone; you will pay the price for
that decision for a very long
time. Be choosy!
A successful courtship is fun…
Your courtship should be the most fun you’ve ever had with ALL of your
clothes on! If your courtship is a bunch of work; or a load of problems and
interpersonal issues; you’d better run like the wind! Because the courtship
will paint the outline of what the marriage will look like, you would do
well to pay attention to how you interact with one another. An occasional
“kerfuffle” is normal as the two of you bond together. But if you are
fighting in courtship; you will probably be at war in marriage.
4. A successful courtship is sexually pure… If you can’t (or won’t)
build a foundation of purity for a vow to last a lifetime. Then just bend
over and kiss the marriage goodbye. Sorry, it simply won’t go the distance.