But I really hate her, I’ll think of a reason later


posted by on Biblical Opinion, Christian Encouragement, Divorce Encouragement, Relationship Encouragement

No comments

We hear these questions quite often, so I wanted to answer them here in one place.

Jeff, my spouse doesn’t deserve to have visitation rights to our children. My anger consumes me when I think about it, but all I can do to show my disgust and displeasure is to glare at my ex from a distance and think hateful thoughts when I see him or her. I know I need to be nice, but I cannot seem to do it.

Jeff, my parents have decided to be nice to my ex and to include him or her into their lives even though it makes me crazy. It’s so hard for me to be nice to my parents now, I just want to act sullen around them and hate them from a distance. I know I need to be nice, but I cannot seem to do it.

Each of these situations work to combine so many feelings within us; of mixed loyalties; of guilt and fear; of anger and hatred; of rejection and betrayal. None of these feelings are very healthy to have around us, even one at a time, but combined together they’re a toxic mixture indeed.

So what do we do about these feelings? – Well, in each of these situations, I think the answer lies in keeping the main thing, the main thing. In each of these situations we have to decide what the main focus is, and we have to concentrate all of our attention upon that main focus.

When a farmer wants to plow a straight line, he has to focus all of his attention upon a fixed object in the distance, and maintain his course upon that object. If this farmer gets distracted by every other thing around him, he will plow in a circle. Plowing in a straight line creates a furrow that water can flow in, to grow a good harvest of useful things. Plowing in a circle however, creates a hole that’s no good to anyone.

Are you in a hole? – The only way out of your hole is to redirect your focus back on the main thing , and to keep the main thing, the main thing.

We know the true direction for our lives has to come from the Bible, and the Bible says, regarding most things about our children, “Parents love your children and don’t provoke them to wrath.” In other words, parents should love their children and not make their lives unnecessarily hard. What does the Bible say then, about most things regarding our parents? Well, it says, “Children, honor your parents.”  So that means we should honor our parents, even if we wish they would act the way we want them to.

After reading all of this, you might ask, “What about my feelings and what about everything that everyone has done to me?” When you concentrate and act upon those feelings; you will find yourself spinning into a hole. And you are spinning into that hole because you’ve lost your main focus upon the main thing. In these cases of conflicting emotions, your main focus has to be upon loving your children and making their lives easier, not harder to figure out; and you also have to concentrate on honoring your parents and blotting out all the feelings that make loving and honoring them so complicated.

When we keep the main thing the main thing, we can keep our emotions within a constructive range. We can continue moving toward a good harvest of quality relationships that matter to us, and we can place our former relationships that no longer matter so much, in a better perspective. Of course we have to do something with all the anger and bitterness we’re carrying around, because concentrating on those feelings of hatred, rejection and betrayal that we have so constantly around us will simply plow us into a hole.

If you’ve gotten yourself into a hole with relationships that matter, over residual feelings surrounding former relationships that don’t matter so much anymore… I encourage you to turn it around and start making the main thing, the main thing. Those are my thoughts; I’d love to hear yours.

Leave a Reply